Diary of a Working Mum.........
I Officially suck...................
Picture this - I walk into the dimly lit peaceful zen like yoga studio ( 20 minutes late because I couldn't find the damn place) with half a dozen new Mumma's all from a single mum's group , all playing joyfully and quietly with their teeny tiny babies on their mats, in the background is the beautiful sound of calming music playing and tiny little giggles of their little babes as they gaze lovingly into their Mumma's eyes and.............i DUMP my bag down.
I'm a HOT mess, literally, dripping with sweat, child screaming for the boob + I'm filled with anxiety, overwhelm, tears and gigantically engorged boobs because its feeding time and my son and I smell ever so slightly light warm poop because he always loves to drop a nug just before we have somewhere we need to be.
In my head I'm screaming 'BACK OUT NOW, JUST BACK THE F#*K OUT, JUST GO HOME' no one knows you here, you can literally turn and run and they will never see you again. But on the outside I'm tying my hardest to not burst into a ball of tears and crumble to the floor.
So instead I decide that this is the reason I am here , I've been cooped up in my house for months, filled with anxiety and I NEED to do this, I NEED to get out of my comfort zone , and so I proceed to sit down and start to give my babe a bottle .
Wait what?? you heard me say my boobs are engorged because it's feed time and yet here I am telling you I am giving him a bottle?
Well let me tell you that our breastfeeding journey was something that is far from perfect ( and a very touchy subject for me at the time) and even though I was persisting with it, in public I had to give him a bottle as it would literally take him an hour to latch.
So back to it, I sit down in my hot mess, and the mum's turn back to their babes and start playing calmly as they were until one little bub becomes fussy. And so his Mumma proceeds to whip out her boob and just pop him right on...................... and there you have it. I MELT DOWN.
Tears coming from every orifice in my body, and snot dripping down my red face , cant catch my breath kinda crying.
I SUCK , I LITERALLY SUCK - why , oh WHY is it so easy for these women, who have peacefully calm babies and their boobs just work , like instantly.
I remember a lady once said to me when I was pregnant , don't worry hun, when your baby is born, your motherly instinct just kicks right in.
And here I am , in a yoga studio sobbing, with a baby sitting in poop and me in a heap on the floor feeling terribly sorry for myself, filled with hormonal emotions and running on about 2 hours sleep in a week and I didn't know what the hell to do.
Actually , Im pretty sure everyone in the yoga studio had no idea what to do, but the teacher came up to me and just said, 'it will be ok, everything will work out I assure you' . And then i realised in this moment, that , that is all it was a moment.
A moment in my journey of being a mum and in fact that I actually do not SUCK at all, and that motherly instincts grow over time (they most certainly don't "instantly' come to you when your baby comes out of your 'Ho Ha')
I know you are wondering and yes, I did become friends with these women, (I don't know if its just because they felt ridiculously sorry for me or if they just understood how utterly emotional, sleepless and hopeless i felt ) .
This journey of motherhood is sacred but also completely terrifying and sometimes crazy ( well mostly crazy in my life) and I wanted to share with you the reality of it, the realness , the rawness, because in this i realised that the stories we tell ourselves are not actually reality, my friend who just ' whipped out her boob' had actually spent months trying and working on feeding and that was just a 'good day' for her.